Mosh On, Mosh Off, Grasshoppers

This just in: Brad and Brodie, the two most vocal talismen of the Norwood-centric blogosphere, or "Wood-o-Sphere" if you will, have blogged as a couple with matching topics and opinions again. Can I call them "the Bradie Bunch" yet? Well, with Wood-o-Spheres being what they are, I might as well broadcast a response here rather than a little CTRL-C/CTRL-V action on both their blogs. It's tough being a helpdesk for rhetorical questions, but someone's gotta do it.

The topic in question is crowd etiquette at gigs. It's a contentious point for gig-goers the world over. Brodie's post and Brad's post about the Karnivool/Seven/Antistatic gig both express pleasure at the performances but not of the crowd behaviour.

I went to a gig last night - not the same one, thankfully, for your sake - to get a good dose of piano rock courtesy of The Fray at the Prince of Wales. Excluding that obscure pole that's always a bit in the way (if you've been to the Prince, you'll know), it was a splendid gig. Will pointed out that the setlist was a little out of whack, but I can deal with that. You see, recently I've become a big fan of the halfway-into-the-front-section-and-slightly-to-the-right brigade. All I really need is two (plus) beers and I'll have a good singalong - very little can bother me. So that's the first thing I'd prescribe to the two aforementioned gents. Relax, guy! Take a load off, don't think about it.

With the sort of indie rock / inoffensive rock gigs I go to, crowd etiquette isn't usually a problem, unless it gets to you! I have been to my share of heavier gigs though, so I feel qualified enough to tend to your questions. There'll always be a pocket or two of "stupids" or a tall dude with an afro somewhere, but a gentle shift away from the nutjobs is natural in any environment. I don't get too riled up unless it's a very uninformed crowd (i.e. too mainstream) which means there's a high dickhead-to-music-fan ratio - or you're right up the front. Pushing is inevitable there.

Allow me to hypothesize: are the dickheads all up the front then? Are Brodie and Brad the kind of people who attract crazies? Remember, if neither of your two best friends is crazy, it's you. Something like that. I forget. Might be harsh. Unfortunately, securing prime real estate comes at a cost. It doesn't matter if you're at the front of a gig, or at the front of a crowd watching motor racing or football, people will always want your spot because it's better than yours. Humans are selfish idiots and if you thought it used to be different, you're wrong. Either the gigs were less crowded, less popular or you're both prone to "fond-ening" up your memories. Consider yourself hockey forwards trying to park yourself in the slot - not gonna happen with a decent defense around. There's two ways to go: get territorial or just have a good time.

If you love being up the front, you'll think it's worth whatever punishment comes your way. Stand up for yourself and defend your position with your entire arse...nal. Arsenal, yes. Any avid fan of indoor soccer matches knows you can use your ass as a battering ram to gain territory, as exhibited by "Steven Seagal" of "Steven Seagal and the Ponytails". And by all means, feel free to check some dickhead hockey-style to gain some space. Sometimes you have to become a dickhead to survive with dickheads all around you. That's probably why Frankston's such a shithole.

Conversely, let nothing bother you. If they french fry when they should pizza, you're gonna have a bad time. So Brad and Brodie, if they're killing your buzz, get outta the pit (as difficult as it may be) and get yourself a stiff drink. No doubt all that man attention will have got you halfway there. Oh! Just kidding. I don't know what you guys go to gigs for, but it's all about the music for me. If I can still hear it and get a general sense of what's going on up on the stage, I'm more than content. I mean, there's not that many hot chicks in Aussie metal is there? Sure, I like to see what notes are being played and stuff, but sometimes you've gotta accept the cards you're dealt. Save it for the little Aussie band gigs and have a blast up the front then!

Also, in regards to chicks at gigs, they are to be fully respected until they smack you a wicked one and don't apologise. Then, they're fair game to be bashed around the pit as much as everyone else (they might even enjoy a scuffle if they're givin' as good as they're gettin'). That's chivalry and equality. One thing's for sure, in indie gigs, the first three rows should be short chicks - they deserve a shot too. If you're a bloke in that fourth row, it's up to you to make sure no one clatters into them. Then pull a phone number. Failing that, there's always something else you could pull. Oh!

I say you two guys have gotta try viewing from further back where it's less intense - or quit your damn online stereo whining! I'm beginning to think you're not all about the music! You don't have to exchange winks with the guitarist to have a good time. That's what groupies do. Are you groupies or not? Maybe you should take a test. Anyway, I don't think I'll ever idolise the members of my favourite bands like some people do, so maybe I'm just talkin' shit. But laidback does work for moi. Your move, Sherlock. Or make that Sherlocks.